Petroleum ‘Pothetical #4

Intros are passe. Last week’s Petroleum ‘Pothetical question was

“What would The Kleebs be willing to pay as ransom for their kidnapped son?”

Winners aren’t passe, however, and this week’s winner is:

“Like any good family of aristocrats, the Kleebs do not negotiate with terrorists, kidnappers, or poor people. “Faw-ther” Kleeb, being a sound if risky investor, copulated with with wife a second time, producing a backup heir. Younger, normal-chinned brother Fragilevant Kleeb arrives in time to steal back his brother, as well as Amanda’s heart.”

Congratulations to Dave, who takes his place in the Corner of Champions.

But now, as the world turns, we have this week’s question:

“What’s the mascot of the College of Hard Knocks?”

Submit your answer as a comment to this post, and you just may be next week’s winner!

That’s Really Cheap for Education These Days

So, one of the Pyes has sauntered back over to where the Kleebs are to demand money. It’s not entirely clear, but this suggests that everyone is still in the church, and perhaps in the same room. So it’s not really a kidnapping plot, despite the Pyes’ earlier protestations; it’s just a beating. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Mrs. Kleeb is really shocked by something, although I don’t think that she’d necessarily put it together that her son is being attacked from what she’s hearing. So either she’s shocked that someone would attempt to teach her son manners, or she’s shocked that she’s being spoken to by this unwashed hill person.

It’s hard to know exactly what Mr. Kleeb’s reaction is, since we only see him in profile; my reading of his body language in Panel 1 is “Oh, great, here we go again, why didn’t I find a blonde ‘actress’ to have an affair with while I still could have.” But upon hearing the cash demand in Panel 2, his chin grows, which probably means that he’s concerned, or at least, considering not rescuing his son.

Which is appalling behavior, given that he probably drops that much when he farts, but I suspect that the Kleebs are not the most generous people when it comes to sharing their assets with non-relatives.

The big surprise today is how much the Pyes are underselling themselves. $20,000 sounds like a lot to you and me, but the Kleebs gave Sturdy something like four businesses to run into the ground as a gift. Might as well ask for a couple hundred million. Then they could load up the truck and move to Beverly!

Speaking of the truck: Why don’t the Pyes just sell it if they need cash so bad? There’s a market for old-timey vehicles like that. I used to work for a guy who collected them, and he’d pay top dollar. (Much like the Kleebs, he was quite wealthy, and quite stupid. The company was really only in existence to provide him with attendees for his twice-a-year house parties, which were formal dress, mandatory for employees, and an opportunity for him to show off his antique cars and play with his train set for people who couldn’t leave. Strangely enough, he wasn’t even the reason I left that job after only nine months.)

Does It Come With A New Sweatshirt?

As fond as I’m rapidly becoming of the Pye boys, they don’t have much of a sense of focus. Today (well, yesterday; continuing work-antisanity meant I wasn’t in great condition to post then) the Pyes seem to abandon their get-rich-quick scheme in favor of some mindless violence.

I’m not judging, mind you. A good bout of violence (not to be confused with violins) against Sturdy is ephemerally far more satisfying than a wad of cash would be. Plus, given the less-than-thorough planning, probably more fiscally satisfying than whatever cash they might actually garner. (I find it unlikely that they’re actually going to get any ransom from the Sturdy’s loveless parents, but if they knock him around a bit, they could at least sell the movie rights for the violence-obsessed American market.)

Anyhow, Sturdy’s finally adding “School of Hard Knocks” to his list of matriculation-holes. Like all of the others, it’s unlikely he’s going to graduate, which is a shame, because I think all of the world would like to see him getting beaten up for the next four years. (Or more, given how many kids take an extra year or two to get through college these days. Plus, he’d probably switch his major around his junior year, when he realizes that face-slaps is a much softer option than gut-punches, so he’ll need to go back and take some additional Liberal Punching Bag Arts courses to meet all the prerequisites.) Still, it shouldn’t prevent him from adding a “Hard Knocks” sweatshirt to his wardrobe.

Finally, how great is it that Sturdy uses the word “rowdies.” And, moreover, uses it as a pejorative. Even though it’s not really accurate—violence isn’t quite the same as rowdiness—it’s still delightful. I’m willing to give him a couple extra credit points for that, raising his GPA to a solid 2.1, which should give him enough influence with Dean Foster to ask that mean ol’ dean to give a hard time to the Phi Delt house, even though they’re just trying to have a good time and they’re not doing anything wrong. That mean ol’ dean. Someday, we’re gonna get him what good.

Apparently the Hill Folk Are French

My, oh my.

The Pyes really aren’t angry that Sturdivant was cheating on their maybe-still-granddaughter. They’re just mad about the timing. The Code o’ th’ Hills permits two-timing when you’re married, but not before. Apparently when you’re still courting, it would kill the romance, but once you’re married, it’s adultery, which is romantic enough in and of itself to compensate. Every French romance novel I’ve ever read agrees. (Okay, that would be zero, but every French romance novel I’ve ever imagined agrees also. Plus, it sounds like a French type of idea.)

This has some interesting consequences if all matters of law and morality come down to mere issues of timing. Like, say, is it okay to lie to protect someone’s feelings? Sure, as long as it’s within fourteen minutes of the time their feelings would be hurt if the lie weren’t told. Cheating on your taxes? As long as you send it in before April 15! It even works for the hot-button topic of abortion: go for it Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays, except during Lent, but abstain Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, unless it’s a full moon, when it’s okay, as long as you go to a doctor who got his or her degree before 1997 or after 2002.

The Code o’ th’ Hills is quite an involved document, you see. Especially since the people who live by it can’t really read.

Apparently, Joe Pye is Secretly David E. Kelley

So… a compound word is only true if the individual parts happen to be true. Interesting. Why don’t you try that in a court of law. (Do courts of law exist out here? I kind of don’t think so.)

Anyhow, Joe Pye promises to teach Sturdy how to live by the Code o’ th’ Hills, which is probably futile. I bet that at one of the schools Sturdy didn’t graduate from, one of his majors was in the Code o’ th’ Hills. Probably Harvard. (They don’t like to brag, but they have the top Code o’ th’ Hills program in the country. Well, they do like to brag, but you get my point

In additional notes: Joe Pye’s cane is exactly the same width as Sturdy’s nose. That’s pretty sweet

Time Warp: Commence Wacky Scheme!

Time warp part 2: May 6

Finally, the Pye Boys are putting their scheme into action. Or at least, they’re putting a scheme into action. I don’t think this was their original scheme, but never let it be said that this family isn’t resourceful. (Some months ago, I believe this family was caught attempting to rob a liquor store… by tunneling underground from the basement of the house across the street.)

Anyhow, not a moment too soon, even though the lack of forethought may come back to hurt them. For example, where are they going to keep Sturdivant? They have no property to use as a home base, and I don’t think it really counts as kidnapping if they just hole up in a different room of the church. And how are they going to deliver their demands? They don’t have a cell phone or nothing, do they? Plus, how exactly are they going to get out of the church with Sturdy? Wouldn’t some of the other guests follow? I know that requires a bit of thinking, like “Hey! A guy’s getting kidnapped by people armed only with a cane in a rickety car from 1920 that only goes 14 miles per hour! Maybe we should give chase and rescue him!” So, sure, the average guest is going to be bored by the first apostrophe. But even if the average guest doesn’t think all the way through, at least one or two probably would.

Oh well. Should be fun to watch.

Time Warp: Shouldn’t Kidnapping Be a Bad Thing?

Finally working through my backlog. Just think of this as a time warp… to May 5.

Finally! Amanda has dumped Sturdivant, everyone’s favorite philandering somnambulist. Finally, sticking up for herself, showing that even a rural farm girl can channel the strength and the self-confidence to…

Aw, who am I kidding. Sturdy’s getting carried off by homeless hill folk!

Bonus points to Horatio Kleeb here: He’s finally bringing the kind of creativity to his villainy that we hoped he had in him but that we haven’t really seen. “My son? The one who’s being hauled off against his will by wedding-crashing thugs? It would appear that he is your problem now, little girl who he has been caught cheating on! I certainly hope that you’re willing to do something, because I’ve got a tennis game.”

Petroleum ‘Pothetical #3

I doubt I’ll get commentary on yesterday’s or today’s strips done today, but I can at least not get any further behind by announcing last week’s Petroleum ‘Pothetical winner, and the new question for this week.

Last week asked “What else is in the code of the hills?”, that oft-cited guidebook to life that only the Pyes seem to own. And up from the soup of hilarity in which you answered that question comes the delicious Oyster Cracker of Victory:

1. Thou shalt not serve lemon wedges in moonshine.
2. Thou shalt not serve maraschino cherries in moonshine.
3. Thou shalt not serve green olives or celery sticks in moonshine. Produce in general upsets the balance of fine moonshine.
4. Kissing cousins is okay.
5. Kissing sisters is okay.
6. Kissing any relative or future relative is okay, as long as it’s not within a two-week window of your wedding day.
7. Never cut the funnies out of the paper until your relatives are done sleeping under them.
8. Underwear is no longer considered “clean” after the third consecutive day of wearing it.

Congratulations to Gold-Digging Nanny, whose thoroughness proved to be the deciding factor in this week’s triumph.

And, in an attempt to share some reflected glory (gold is shiny!), here’s this week’s question:

“What would The Kleebs be willing to pay as ransom for their kidnapped son?”

I’m working a bit ahead here; today’s strip reveals the beginning of a Wacky Kidnapping Plot. So, tell me: What do you think is the absolute maximum that the Kleebs would be willing to pay? Submit your answer as a comment to this post, and my favorite will receive $8 million worth of glory (actual value $0).

Metapost: Pause Continues

My brain’s still mushy (mushier than usual, even!) from the weekend combination of Ren Fair, 8 shows of improv comedy, seven hours of library conference programs, and about 4 hours of sleep a night. So this week’s Petroleum ‘Potheticals and commentary on today’s strip is still forthcoming. See you tomorrow (I hope) or Wednesday.

When the going gets tough, the tough call Barbara Bush

Hey! The hotel has free wireless. Neat!

Finally, some threats of violence!

Sure, the bulk of this strip is just a rehash of a word mis-usage that happened just a week ago, which is unfortunate, but the details are nice.

First, I guess that we can claim that there’s some actual violence, as Granpaw Pye viciously bludgeons Sturdy with his cane. Okay, sure, the vicious bludgeoning only leads to a “poik,” but I’m sure it will be enough for him to use in a self-aggrandizing story as he pursues his life goal of hitting on (and being rejected by) women at each of the Seven Sisters colleges of the Northeast simultaneously.

Second, Sturdy gets carried off. Literally. Carry-offs are always a good thing.

Third, note that Sturdy calls his Barbara Bushian mother for help, rather than his sniveling George Bushian father. Some insight can be drawn from that fact, I think. Of course, none of it helped anyway, since she fainted