Is There an Orkin for Rich Philanderers?

So, Ada’s playing innocent. I guess I can believe that she’s technically being honest: she did seem surprised when she kissed him. But it still doesn’t explain why she didn’t push him away or resist in some way. Plus, I like the idea that Ada’s secretly stealing her sister’s fiance.

I’ve got limited sympathy for Amanda Lynn. She knew that Sturdy had a thing for her sister, having caught him in the act, and if she’s going to buy something as far-fetched as sleepwalking as an excuse, she’s going to get wronged by a whole parade of ne’er do wells seeking to take advantage of her ample charms and less-than-ample brainpower.

Why she trusts her grandfather, who she didn’t bother to invite to the wedding and who is only there to extort million$ in some vague and undefined scheme, rather than her own eyes, is another sign of concern. Let’s file that away in “Things We Shouldn’t Think Too Hard About,” eh?

Panel 3 is notable primarily for the double wordplay, which is well executed and will earn a high degree of difficulty from the Russian judge. Points both for introducing the idea of incest into such an unassuming strip as well as for the misspeaking–insectuous–suggesting that they consider Sturdy to be the equivalent of a bug. Pity he doesn’t actually turn into one.

Also pity that they choose to get rid of him by spraying rather than squashing. Normally I’m all for poison gas, but I think this particular plotline could use some gore.

Of course, the whole last panel could just be an homage to when Pope John Paul II came to the U.S., and entrepreneurial citizens showed their respect by creating Pope-branded lawn sprinklers with the “Let Us Spray” motto.

A Single Tear Doesn’t Mean He’s Sorry

For the first time, I’m kind of bummed that Sturdy and Amanda Lynn have a star-crossed romance that is going to end badly. And not just because their names combine in such media-friendly ways (Amandavant! Sturdilynn! Wallakleeb!)

No, seeing the tear in Sturdy’s eye drives home just how much he’s the girl* in this relationship. We’ve certainly seen evidence of this before, what with Amanda Lynn’s ability to do things and Sturdy’s willingness to be off to the side, frittering his life away on frivolities. Off-stage, you just know that Amanda Lynn’s got a whole collection of strap-ons that she’s just itching to use, in creative and sometimes physics-defying ways. (Of course, as Sturdy may very well have been a member of those well-to-do secret societies that rich doofuses join at Ivy League schools—I’m looking in your general direction, Skull & Bones—it may not be a wholly unfamiliar experience for the fellow.)

That went a bit crass, moreso than I intended when I started, so while I’m not sorry (this blog isn’t child-safe**), let’s move back to tamer waters. Today we get the revelation (to me, at least; longtime strip readers may well already know this) that Amanda Lynn knows her grandfather, and still considers him kin. (“Grandpa”, regardless of how badly misspelled, still implies a certain relationship, and usually affection.) Which brings up the question of why she didn’t tell him she was getting married. I mean, if I were getting married, I’d tell my grandparents, and they’re not even alive anymore. (I wouldn’t expect a fancy present, but that’s really not the point of a wedding, is it?)

I don’t quite understand Sturdy’s reaction to the Pye entrance. I mean, sure, he’s horrified to be marrying into a family of rural bumpkins, but he already knew the family was a bunch of rural bumpkins. This isn’t new information to him! Why is he so shocked that this other wing of the family is also rural bumpkins? Or, was he perhaps willing to accept three bumpkin-in-laws, but not seven? How is that tear-inducingly worse? Does it get him kicked out of Skull & Bones, or demoted to umbrella stand? (And yes, I mean that in a filthy way.)

Sorry*** to work blue, but there’s just not a whole lot happening in this strip. Maybe I’ll just stop now before I go really over the top. Like I did in Faceplant, a truly vile (but very funny) show I wrote and performed in last year.

Well, that was just shameless. Again, sorry****.

*This is used purely in the traditional sense, where men are the dominant gender while women stay in the background being supportive and all that stuff, rather than implying that women are somehow less capable than men or that that traditional sense is accurate today or ever really was.

**And neither is life. Suck it, overprotective parents!

***Not really.

****Also not really.

Cliches and Antisanity Don’t Mix

Well, Sturdy’s gotten his tongue out of his fiancee’s sister, so that’s a good thing, I guess. But it’s tough to be too delighted by this strip.

Scancarelli’s using the rather moldy cliche of stopping the wedding at the very last minute. Has any fictitious wedding ever not been stopped by this? (I exaggerate slightly, but the weddings that weren’t stopped by hillbillies rushing in at the last second all ended in divorce or elaborate murder-suicide schemes, so I feel comfortable in my overly broad blanket statement.) There’s so many more creative things that could be done. Amanda Lynn could finally grow a spine and bitchslap the guy. Ada could tell Amanda Lynn that he’s been kissing her and that she likes it. Teeka could kill him with “gourmet” cooking. Mr. and Mrs. Kleeb could be eaten by bears. The entire Kleeb family and their family of businesses could get caught up in Enron-style corporate scandal and be sent to jail for, like, six weeks or something.

And one more thing. A white dress? Really?

Petroleum ‘Pothetical #2

Last week’s Petroleum ‘Pothetical asked “What’s in the paper?” As you may remember, the Pye Boys had just seen something shocking in the newspaper taht they were using as sheets to keep themselves warm as they slept under a bridge.

I’d like to commend readers Ipogogo, St. Bacchus, and rabrab for getting it dead-on correct: as Scancarelli revealed on Monday, what was in the paper was the Wallet/Kleeb wedding announcement, and the Pye Boys are Amanda Lynn’s birth family.

Petroleum ‘Potheticals, however, is a competition to suggest an answer that is the winner, rather than correct. So basically, you gotta delight me. So without further ado, today’s winner is:

“They’ve finally succumbed to good taste and stopped printing Gasoline Alley!”

Congratulations to reader Wallsy, who successfully realized that I am something of a connoisseur of mean humor. Enjoy your place of honor in the top-right of this page.

And now, this week’s question:

What else is in the Code of the Hills?

Yesterday we learned that Sturdy’s philandering violates the Code of the Hills, no doubt a set of rules that tell you what’s proper behavior if you’re a hillbilly who lives under a bridge. So what are some of the other rules in this Code of the Hills? Submit your answer as a comment to this post, and my favorite will replace Wallsy next week in the Position of Honor.

Up-to-Weekly Pre-’Pothetical Self-Promotion

The first Petroleum ‘Pothetical winner is coming in just a few minutes. But before then, I’m going to once again abuse my blogging power for a bit of self-promotion. And this one is especially for fans in Iowa, and fans of me in a silly outfit.

Next weekend, I’ll be performing with my improv group Three Legged Race at the Iowa Renaissance Festival. It’s at Middle Amana Park in the Amana Colonies May 3-4 (See this page for maps). The hours are 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. both days, and tickets are $10. ($5 for kids.) I’m not sure precisely when we’ll be performing, but if it’s like our previous renaissance fair (yep, we’ve done one before; judge how you will) we’ll be performing about three times a day at various times throughout the day.

So, if your lifelong dream is to see me in Renaissance wear, this is your opportunity! (If that’s your lifelong dream, though, yikes.

Never Violin the Code of the Hills

Welcome again, Comics Curmudgeon readers! I noticed yesterday night a big bump in my readership stats, and lo and behold, Josh was kind enough to link here a second time. Thanks to him and thanks to you for visiting.

Now, to today’s comic.

First off, Pye family, Sturdivant isn’t really violining the code of the hills. He’s violining the code of every marriage that’s ever happened. So don’t claim moral superiority just because you live under a bridge and smell bad. In today’s political climate, I would never give an opening to accusations of being an elitist by claiming that I’m better than you, but I am not gonna let you do so either.

Second, why the outrage, Joe? Yeah, Sturdy’s doing something pretty crappy to your grandchild. You know, the one you aren’t in contact with anymore. More importantly, the one you’re planning to rob or embezzle or extort from or something. So it’s okay for you to be extremely crappy but not for him? Frankly, if you actually care about your granddaughter, it’s been really obvious that that not marrying Sturdy is the right thing for her. So this outrage: Not accepting it!

And finally, Sturdivant and Ada are still kissing. Just like in the old Big Red commercials. And she’s still not resisting, so flop-sweat aside, she’s enjoying it. I think that makes her just as culpable as him.

Sneakin’ Around with the Jugless Jug Band

The Pye Boys Jugless Jug Band, with special leader Cane-Wieldin’ Joe, have decided to try being sneaky. I don’t quite understand why. The nub of their scheme, as near as I can tell, is to barge in, play some inappropriate wedding music, reuinite with the granddaughter that they gave up for adoption long ago, and somehow receive millions of dollars from her in-laws. How is stealth going to aid that endeavor? Every single step in that plot requires some level of visibility.

I suppose if they went to all the trouble of masking their rancid, rancid stench, they might as well play covert ops while they’re at it.

They press themselves up against the clear glass window – a super-common feature in all of the churches and reception halls I’ve ever been in, by the way – and what do they see? Sturdivant Kleeb, our philandering somnambulist, philandering by kissing Ada. And his eyes are closed, so he may also be somnambulizing as well, although I doubt he’d put on his glasses for that.

Yep, Sturdy, you’ve been busted! Busted by… a ragtag bunch of smelly ne’er-do-wells who have the credibility of the love child of Bill O’Reilly and one of my farts.  So, um, I guess maybe you should try to keep your tongue to yourself, but really, this particular busting really isn’t going to affect the plot that much. (At least, in the real world. In the antisane world of Gasoline Alley, who knows?)

I’m confused by the Pye boys’ shock, however. They’ve never met Sturdivant Kleeb, and I can’t imagine that they can really identify Ada on sight. (I mean, I still have trouble with that.) So as far as they know, they’re just seeing two random people kissing at a wedding. That’s not really all that shocking.

Ada’s reaction is also a bit puzzling. The exclamation point over her head makes sense, but look at her body language. She’s not exactly resisting by pushing Sturdy away or kneeing him in the Kleeb or closing her mouth or nothing, is she? And why would she be alone with him anyway, if she didn’t kind of like him? She’s already called him a series of obscene pictographs; she’d have every right to get up and get near others if she found herself alone with him. Does she secretly like him?

And finally, Sturdy himself. Cheating on your wedding day? Dude, you’re just begging to be caught.

Opening Line Hall Of Fame, Class of 2008

Danger! Another lunchtime post! And we all know how those go.

Part of my day job is to receive and evaluate manuscript submissions. Many are memorable, but one in particular sticks out, both because of the volume of its… well, there’s no nice way to put this, badness, and because it achieved this badness in so many diverse ways. Among the impressive ways it did this was the cover letter. Specifically the first sentence of the cover letter.

The author managed, in that first line, to insult the magazine at least four times. In a thirty word sentence, as this one was, that’s an insult every 7.5 words.

I mention this in the hope that the opening line of today’s strip joins that cover letter in my personal Opening Line Hall Of Fame, albeit for different reasons. It makes absolutely no sense, but it makes that no sense in the most delightful way possible.

“Don’t yo’ be fiddlin’ no beer joint music, Red Tommy.” Every time I try to parse it, I realize I like it better unparsed. I may, however, start using that as a response whenever someone says, well, anything to me.

Hey Greg, can you write a news story this week?

Don’t yo’ be fiddlin’ no beer joint music, Red Tommy!

The rest of the strip… you can see how it’s intended to make sense, but it just doesn’t. Why the frick does the Homeless Pye Boy Wacky Wedding Crashing Scheme involve playing music at all? And why would the guests request songs of other guests? Wouldn’t the wedding already have music covered? Or is there going to be a hoedown-off? (Oh please, let there be a hoedown-off!)

Are the Pyes actually trying to come up with music that the wedding party would want to hear and doing it very stupidly, or is it just that the extent of their Wacky Wedding Crashing Scheme is to play somewhat inappropriate music? Scholars will debate this like they debate whether Citizen Kane really thought his wife could sing or if he was just trying to force the crowd to clap.

And finally, the real question on everyone’s mind: Which college sweatshirt will Sturdy be wearing to get married in? I’m pulling for an elaborate handmade creation, taking bits of a sweatshirt from every accredited college and university in the country, plus the University of Dayton.

Because The Homeless Shouldn’t Live Without Toiletries

Such sensitivity by the Pye family as they attempt to crash their estranged* granddaughter’s wedding and bilk her in-laws-to-be out of their millions. They’re going to wear deodorant!

They’re not going to bathe, mind you. That would be over the top.

It doesn’t make any sense, though. Why would they show such consideration for people who they’re trying to run some kind of wacky con on? Wouldn’t it make more sense to show consideration for the people they live under a bridge with every day?

Of course, “sense” is very rarely an appropriate word to use when talking about Gasoline Alley, so maybe I should stop worrying about it.

Of somewhat more concern: Wherever Gasoline Alley is, it’s a small enough town to not really have a town per se. So why are they so concerned that a couple of hours isn’t enough to get to the wedding? Do they first need to visit Miracle Max and get a resurrection pill** so they can enlist the Dread Pirate Roberts, and then acquire a holocaust cloak so they can light him on fire?

Upon reflection, though, that may very well be their wacky scheme.

* Is “estranged” the right word? I suppose it usually refers to a relationship where there’s been a falling out, whereas there are tons of perfectly legitimate and positive reasons for giving a child up for adoption. But given what they’re planning to do, it may be appropriate. Plus, any word with the root “strange” is probably appropriate for characters in this script.

** Yes, I had to check my copy of The Princess Bride to see what the pill is called. I’m not ashamed.

Chain of Badness

First, there was Sturdivant Kleeb, who seemed to exist to be a jerk toward his future (ha!) wife and in-laws. Then, we met his parents, who seemed to exist only to be even worse then good old Sturdy. And now, we introduce Amanda Lynn’s birth grandparents, who are making an early play at being even more despicable than the Kleebs

Stephen Lawson’s Wallet Family History indicates that these–the Pyes, that is–aren’t major characters, but Amanda Lynn’s grandparentage was known. But her adoption was applied for in 1994, so I can’t imagine that the Pyes have been a big part of her life since then. I guess I don’t know the laws that govern this type of thing, but I doubt that the Pyes really have too much of a legal claim on Amanda Lynn’s marital wealth. Heck, even Amanda Lynn wouldn’t have too much of a claim on her marital wealth, given the no-doubt famous Kleeb Pre-nup. (In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Horatio gave Sturdivant a pre-nup business when he first started pretending he graduated from Princeton.)

Of course, this being Gasoline Alley, it probably won’t come down to legal matters. It will probably come down to a crazy scheme, and that is Good. Crazy Schemes help put the antisanity in Going Antisane.